Just Released: The Between-the-Lines Bible (KJV)

Note: The following is satire. References to organizations and individuals are fictitious.

Genesis 1:1-8 (KJV) with lots of space between each lineSpeculative Publishers Inc. (SPI) just announced its latest Bible resource designed especially for readers who are not satisfied with just the plain text. For the very first time, the “Between-the-Lines” Bible (BTL) gives you all the room you need to expand upon the revelation of Scripture. Instead of the usual cramped line spacing of regular Bibles, the BTL Bible provides ample space for your imaginative and fictitious additions and comments. Instead of having to jot your thoughts in the margin, you can now add your ideas right into the words of the Bible itself.

Pastors and teachers alike are delighted with the BTL. “I always found traditional Bibles cramped my style,” remarked Rev. Bernie Clarke, founder of End Times Now Times Ministries. The BTL Bible is like opening a window to infinite interpretive possibilities.

SPI is so proud of its first edition. President Bartholomew Eisegesis exclaims: “We are confident that our readers will appreciate the BTL’s beautiful print and layout as well as the extra line spacing in the books of Daniel and Revelation.”

SPI is working on a digital version in which users can expand the lines in between the text as much as they like.

Billions of Private Personal Thoughts Leaked to Web

ThoughtsRevealed

Disclaimer: The following is strictly satirical in nature, but the warning is real.

GlobeHackNews – August 20, 2015. New York, London, Tokyo, etc. Not to be outdone by the leak of millions of alleged users of extra-marital-affair web site, Ashley Madison, notorious hacker Natas has released a searchable database of the personal private thoughts of approximately 2.5 billion people worldwide. Natas claims to have had access to this information for some time, but only now has shouted it from the rooftops, so to speak. “Face your truth, #minions!” Natas tweeted at midnight GMT today.

Unlike the Ashley Madison affair, where some names and addresses may have originated from other parties, the ownership of each thought is verifiable, since the human brain is a fairly closed system. But some experts claim reason to doubt the database’s accuracy. “Natas is a master of deceit,” says Dan Isle, director of public affairs, Skeptics International. “He has made grandiose claims in the past. Everyone knows he has acute ego issues. He’ll do anything to get attention, and doesn’t care who he takes down with him.” Isle has a point, but when asked about his own plot to steal his best friend’s girlfriend during his high school prom twenty years ago, he refused comment.

“The cat is out of the bag,” says P. Astor Graceman, Senior Advisor, the Truth Company. “We knew it was only a matter of time before the thoughts of every man, woman, and child would be broadcast worldwide. We have issued warnings, encouraging everyone to take every precaution to guard their thought life. We just didn’t know it would happen so soon.” Asked if there is anything the public can do now that our deepest secrets have been exposed. “Absolutely!” says Graceman. “But remember, not all thoughts should be of concern. Much of what goes through our heads is fluffy nonsense. There’s lots of good stuff in there too. It’s only the bad stuff we need to be concerned about.”

What then can be done about the “bad stuff”? Graceman, suggests the following:

  1. Own up. Honesty is the best policy. Any attempt to cover up the truth will only make matters worse.
  2. Trust in Jesus the Messiah. The Son of God died for our wrongs, both the public ones and the very secret ones. There is nothing too terrible that his blood cannot cover.
  3. Wrong thoughts and wrong actions are ultimately offenses against God. If we confess to him, he will not only forgive us our wrongs, but cleanse us from their effect.
  4. Take inventory. Some thoughts are simply thoughts. Taking action is another matter. Where wrong thoughts have led to wrong actions, apologize to offended parties. Make restitution where possible.

Cautionary note: As a rule of thumb confession of wrongs should only be as public as the infraction. It is unadvisable to confess the details of secret thoughts to others. Doing so will only cause unnecessary damage. Take evil thoughts seriously. Start by taking them to God alone. If they are out of control, seek council from a pastor or counsellor.